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Changing Behavior

By reading the lessons and doing the exercises, you have strategies to change the thoughts and feelings which resulted from holding onto the pain of the past.

The last area to be aware of is your own behavior. Repetitive actions become a habit. Habits are actions which occur without thought. Recovery from the past requires that you apply thought to your actions and behaviors.

Know the Definition of Insanity

If you want to buy a vegetarian meal but always go to the steak house which puts bacon into its vegetables, you’re never going to get a vegetarian meal. Every time you go to that restaurant wanting vegetarian, you’ll be disappointed. That’s an example of insanity.

Insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing expecting different results.

If you continue to go to the same park you and your ex always went to, and you leave that park feeling down or angry each time, you’re the living example of insanity. True, you may feel like you’re going insane with all the pain you’re carrying, but there’s no reason to make it worse.

To recover from the painful wound you’ve experienced, it’s time to embrace the challenge of finding new things to do, new places to go, and new ways of doing things.

From Insanity to Victimization

Many people are examples of the definition of insanity. They also begin to feel like a victim because nothing is working out for them. You may have felt like a victim when the relationship ended. You don’t need to remain a victim.

What happens after everything pertaining to the relationship is over, is that you are left with a major challenge. That challenge is to pull yourself out of feeling like a victim and get back in touch with the amazing, powerful you that is hiding beneath all that pain.

You are the one who can pull yourself out of repetitive and non-productive behaviors and become the wonderful you.

Behaviors Can Trigger Thoughts and Emotions

Your actions can assist in your goal to release the past or they can hold the past firmly in place. It’s crucial to be aware of what behaviors trigger the emotional pain. Once you know your triggers, stay away from them. That’s more difficult than you think, but you can do it.

Find New Things to Talk About

Avoid talking about the painful event with almost everyone. Talking about what happened brings up the feelings. Confine your discussion about “the event” and the person involved to your therapist, coach, spiritual leader, or support group.

Best friends, family, and those who enjoy hearing gossip won’t help you. Your friends and family want to give advice and support, but it may keep the pain going.

Someone objective assists in moving past the pain. They’ll point out where you’re continuing to hurt yourself and how to stop.

If you still have the need to “talk,” use the releasing exercise where you work on the same letter three times and then burn it. Repeat that process as often as needed.

Go New Places

If you always went to Joe’s Pizza, it’s time to get acquainted with Penelope’s Pizza. If you always ordered pepperoni and pineapple pizza, it’s time to order a different kind. Better yet, go to a cooking class and learn to make something new and different.

If you always went to a particular movie theater or at a particular time, go to another theater, unless you only went to the theater for them. Then don’t go to the theater at all.

You may wonder why you need to change the places you go. You don’t need to change anything as long as they don’t resurrect the pain of the past. If being there continues to hurt you, quit doing what hurts.

Music Is a Powerful Memory Trigger

As much as you loved that song you shared, it’s time to let it go. The memories associated with it can resurrect the experience of loss quickly. This is true for any music. Find new songs about your new life.

Quit Attempting to Figure Out What Went Wrong Unless You’re with a Therapist

It’s natural to want to know what you could have done differently. To discover what went wrong, you often need a therapist or relationship coach.

Just remember that you can’t change the past, but you can apply your new knowledge to change your future.

Summary

Congratulations on almost finishing this course.

You’ve learned what happens in your brain when you’re hurt emotionally. You’ve also learned why forgiveness, or letting go, is important.

You now have powerful tools and tips to change your thoughts and emotions so you can release the pain as quickly as possible. Then, you learned in this lesson the importance of changing certain behaviors, so those thoughts and emotions aren’t triggered.

Before you celebrate the completion of this course, take a few minutes to answer the reflection questions so you can anchor in what you’ve learned.

ReflectionPlease write out your answers to the following questions.

  1. What activities result in painful memories?
  2. What can you do instead?
  3. What are the qualities of the wonderful you that you’re ready to find again? List as many as you can.

 

 

 

I. Additional Resources:-

I am free to create my own reality.

I am in control of my destiny. I am responsible for my life. I avoid blaming others for challenges. I avoid blaming circumstances for the direction my life has taken. I choose the path for my life with my choices.

I believe that my life is what I make it.

My version of reality exists within me. While others may have a view of life with fear and limits, my reality is different. My reality consists of limitless opportunities. I am in awe of the possibilities that exist for my life. I make a conscious effort to hold a perspective that provides me with as many options as possible.

I create a positive reality by freeing my mind of hate, fear, and jealously. I make room in my mind for positive thoughts and emotions. Holding negative energy ensures that my reality is unpleasant. I release negative energy and focus on the positive.

I accept the changes that naturally occur in life. Resistance is a waste of time and energy. I allow reality to be reality. What I can change are the perceptions and beliefs I hold in my mind. The external world is largely outside my control. This is fine, because my beliefs and focus determine my reality.

Today, I am making my strongest effort to create a reality that serves my life. I have the hope and ambition necessary to make positive changes in my life. I am free to create my own reality.

Self-Reflection Questions:

  1. How do I get in my own way?
  2. Which of my beliefs make it more challenging for me to be happy and successful?
  3. What is my vision for the future?

II. Additional Resources:-

I avoid self-pity.

I accept my life. When things go wrong, I stay strong. I avoid dissolving into a puddle of tears or feeling sorry for myself. I avoid anxiety and additional stress.

I understand that I am responsible for my actions.

When I make a mistake, I accept the responsibility and the consequences. I do what I can to correct the situation or make amends, learn what I can from the error, and then move on without worrying about it.

I am in control of my emotions. I reject the idea that I am a victim. I avoid negative thoughts and feelings and focus on the positive aspects of any situation.

When I encounter a challenge, I remind myself that such obstacles are a normal part of life, and get busy seeking a solution. I know that I am a strong individual who is capable of overcoming obstacles.

I accept my circumstances – whatever they may be.

I avoid wallowing in self-pity if things go awry. Feeling sorry for myself is a downward spiral, and makes everything seem worse than it really is.

Likewise, I avoid seeking company for my misery. Instead of having a pity party, I take action to get past hard times on my own and move forward toward a brighter future.

Today, I avoid self-pity by focusing on the positive things in my life. I say thank you for everything the universe provides me. In return, I then receive even more great things to be thankful for.

Self-Reflection Questions:

  1. How do I avoid self-pity when I am sick?
  2. Is it possible to avoid self-pity when I feel stuck or challenged?
  3. What can I teach my children about self-pity?

III. Additional Resources:-

Letting go sets me free.

Holding onto the past undermines my happiness and productivity. Letting go frees me and allows me to achieve my potential.

I accept that everything changes. I adjust my expectations and realize that relying on temporary conditions for security is pointless.

I remove the conditions I have been placing on my happiness.

I recognize that some events are beyond my control and accept that letting go is the best option. There are times when I lose sight of what I value. If I wait until the decision is out of my hands, I pay a higher price. By anticipating natural shifts, I make the adjustment easier.

I transform my intentions regarding my relationships with others. I care more about their welfare than how they make me feel.

I examine my thoughts and let go of those that are holding me back. I realize that it is more constructive to manage whatever circumstances arise rather than wishing my life was different.

Letting go is an ongoing process. Starting with small issues trains me to handle bigger challenges. Showing myself that I can survive without cable TV may inspire me to ride my bike to work instead of driving.

My heart is open to new opportunities when I let go. My future appears brighter.

Today, I am more determined than ever to be more flexible. I am ready to let go and start over.

Self-Reflection Questions:

  1. What is one possession I could give away today?
  2. How can I be content with what I have now?
  3. Why does letting go prepare me to receive more?

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